Freedom in the Quiet

As I bear witness to what my body is teaching me this season

My birthday was this week. Two days ago, in fact. And the best gift that I have given to myself was the space to slow down, to be still, and to be truly present to how my life is unfolding — or perhaps I should say blossoming & becoming  at thirty three years old.

This year was a quiet birthday that I know deep down was what my spirit needed. Admittedly, at times my ego wanted a celebratory day with some more pizazz. But there was beauty in the simplicity in how I honored myself  and gave gratitude for thirty three years of life. There was a moment when I was driving to pick up my delicious dinner of Indian cuisine, and I had the windows down and the sunroof open. It was a sunny day, the breeze was just right, and naturally I had my music on blast. Jordan Rakei’s song, Freedom, came on and I was greeted with his first few lyrics: “Freedom in the quiet.”

And just like that I remembered what I wrote to myself upon waking up earlier that day: “There is medicine in the quiet. Do not think the quiet is a mistake. In the stillness, listen to your heart. Listen to your curiosities. Go from there. Flow from there.” The next day, I spent my time writing a letter to myself as a way for me to bear witness and acknowledge all the ways that I have transformed and evolved in my 32nd year. This past year, I listened to my dreams, my heart, and my body – taking an embodied path in life. By following my curiosities and my heart, new doors, opportunities, and community have been opened for me. This is something I am still learning and know will be a part of my lifelong journey.  If I can give one life lesson that has returned to me time and time again it would be to always listen to your body. Your body holds intrinsic and innate wisdom and deserves to be heard. And if you do not listen, your body will inevitably force you to listen.

A few months ago, I had the great pleasure to see and listen to Cole Arthur Riley, writer, poet, & NYT Best Selling Author of This Here Flesh and Black Liturgies.  She was in town to give a lecture titled “Dignity, Justice, & Joy: Holding on to Our Dignity in Challenging Times.” She opened the lecture with the question, “What is at stake in a disembodied life?” We live in a traumatic culture with multiple oppressive systems that thrive on our disembodiment. They don’t want us to truly be aligned in our bodies, unless it is for the capital good. These systems capitalize on us being too distracted with work, with money, with status, with survival, with stress, to truly be in our bodies. In her talk, Cole continued to state a sentiment that I know to be true: “If you aren’t in your body, someone else is.” Other nuggets of wisdom and reminders that I gathered from her: “Trauma brings us to disembodiment. Our bodies are a site of intergenerational stories, traumas, legacies and inheritances. If we were to survive, we must acknowledge that the physical is spiritual. The work of liberation lands heavily in our bodies.”

In my spiritual herbalism studies, we learn how the innate wisdom of the body can signal what is occurring in our life in a physical, spiritual, and emotional manner. We learn that different organs and meridians in the body hold different emotions and energetics. People often mistakenly come to herbalism for healing through the lens of western medicine — wanting to find a remedy for a physical symptom without taking into consideration what the root cause of that symptom may be and its impact on the mind, body, and spirit. 

The weeks leading up to my birthday, I knew my body was signaling to me to slow down. My mind has been moving at a lightning pace with responsibilities, ideas, tasks, worries, etc and these rapid thoughts were causing me to move beyond my body’s capacity. As a result, mental exhaustion was creeping up in a way that I brushed aside because life was moving and I had things to do.  I knew I was out of balance and not in alignment with my body. 

Last week I experienced a disorienting moment in the early morning when I abruptly woke up with night sweats and a rapid beating heart. My heart was beating so fast and loud that I could hear the pulse quickly drumming in my ear. I experienced what I believed to be a form of a panic attack that seemingly came out of nowhere. I didn’t have any intense dreams or anxious thoughts prior. However in that specific moment, anxiety flooded me and my body seemed separate from me – out of my control. I called my brother to talk through what I was experiencing and he ultimately helped me get back to myself as my heart rhythm receded to its normal rate and I slowly went back to sleep. This early morning moment of panic was another sign that my nervous system was unregulated. In prayer, this reminder came to me: to move at the pace that my body is setting for me and to be okay with this. 

“I’m gonna look for my body yeah

I’ll be back real soon.” ~ Weary by Solange 

There is medicine in the quiet and stillness. Freedom as well. Daily, I ask my body what I need right now. These days, nourishment is the answer. The plant medicines that I am being called to are nervines – herbs that tone and strengthen the nervous system and alteratives – herbs that increase vitality and restore the proper function of the body. As an aromatic nervine that also cools and purifies, Lavender gave me the calming support that I needed at this time. I leaned on a head rinse that I often make to calm my nervous system and clear my mind. It consists of lavender, mint, chamomile, and rose. I brew these herbs in a strong infusion for about 30-40 minutes, let cool, strain the plant materials, and then pour the liquid over my head in the shower after I wash and condition my hair.  For nourishment, I leaned on overnight nettle infusions. The dried leaves of stinging nettle are full of iron, vitamins A-K, vitamin C, high in minerals and fiber. It is a nutritive and a tonic that strengthens and protects your body and spirit. I include 1 tablespoon per cup of boiling water and steep overnight to enjoy the next day. 

The songs that I am sharing throughout today’s offering are a  part of a playlist I curated called Ever New Prayer for a Weary Soul. It features meditative songs that honestly feel like prayer to me from dynamic artists like Beverly Glenn-Copeland, Solange, Ibeyi, Somi, and many more. I return to this playlist whenever weariness gets a hold of me and  I need a reprieve. I hope this playlist can be a balm for you just as it is for me. A question for you to reflect as you sip some tea and listen to some jams: what does your body need right now? If you feel led, let me know in the comments or through email. 

Until next time, 

Khayla

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